i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
