we have pet lesbian snakes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
