booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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