I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
