Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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