I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
