I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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