I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
