So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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