They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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