Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
