I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Randomize
