I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
