my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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