YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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