i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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