No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
