my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
