she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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