I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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