Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
