He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
