How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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