My liver just broke up with me...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
