question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
