6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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