we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
