the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dear god my vagina.
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