Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
