i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
