He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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