If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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