I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
