Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I need a beard to bite.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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