I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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