He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Drunk is a universal language darling
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
