textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
