Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
