I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
