I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
