I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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