At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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