Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
zippers are such a cool invention
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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