I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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