i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
