how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
