i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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