I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
