Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
