Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
