If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
