I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my being single is dangerous.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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