this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
