We won't sleep together?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
