Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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