I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
