honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
